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It feels as if every few years a new parenting style makes headlines, each with its own set of staunch supporters and stern critics. Tiger moms and helicopter parenting dominated for decades – but these days there’s a new style on many a millennial parents’ lips.
Gentle parenting is creating buzz among younger parents on social media. It’s gaining traction among moms and dads who want to raise their kids in a different way to the often-authoritarian way in which they were brought up.
Older generations – grandparents especially – may feel young parents are simply pandering to their kids and don’t want to discipline them.
But gentle parenting isn’t about being lax with authority, those who practise it say. It’s presenting it in a different way and acknowledging your child’s emotions, treating them with empathy and respect, and leading by example.
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They’ve seen the benefits of this parenting style, say S’phindile and Nicolas Garcer, who initially tried a more “old-school” approach with their two-year-old son, Omari.
“Omari is outspoken with what he wants to do and doesn’t want to do,” S’phindile (31) tells YOU. “Last year we were a bit hard on him because we wanted to teach him right from wrong, so we started gently spanking him on the hand or bottom when he did something wrong.”
Omari started fighting a lot at school and S’phindile noticed that whenever she spanked her son he’d hit back or push her away. She and Nicolas (36) decided to stop spanking him and to send him to a “naughty corner” instead.
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Then S’phindile discovered the gentle parenting method on social media. Now, instead of spanking him or sending him to the naughty corner, she talks to him.
“He used to throw a lot of tantrums. What I’ve learnt is that when this happens his emotions are all over the place and as a parent it’s my responsibility to help him to manage his feelings,” says S’phindile, who works in public relations.
“I go to him and embrace him because he’s a child and I need to show him that it’s okay to not be okay.”
Now when her son has a tantrum, she kneels and opens her arms for him to come to her. “It calms him down quicker than if I shout or send him to the naughty corner,” she says. “It’s working very well. I haven’t had a single report about him fighting at school.
“Now whenever a child does something like take a toy from him, he tells the teacher, which for me is a big deal. Before, if a child took his toy, he’d hit the child.
“That was during the time when we were spanking him. To me this means gentle parenting is working.”
THE BASICS OF GENTLE PARENTING
The four main elements are empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries. The aim is to raise happy, independent and confident children who express their emotions in a socially acceptable and age-appropriate way.
The goal of discipline is to help the child understand their behaviour rather than to punish them.
Gentle parenting is also called positive parenting, says Cape Town clinical psychologist Dr Jenny Rose. She prefers to call it “conscious parenting” as the focus is on being intentional. “We’re conscious of the way we are parenting and the impact it’s going to have on our kids for the rest of their lives,” she says.
Negotiation is important in gentle parenting, says Claudine Ribeiro, a social worker and director of the Johannesburg Parent and Child Counselling Centre (JPCCC). The child is more likely to buy into it because their feelings are considered.
“The parent is still the parent,” Ribeiro explains. “The child doesn’t tell the parent what to do – but they talk about it. And the child is willing to take the consequences because they were part of setting them.”
HOW TO DO IT
There are two pillars, Dr Rose says, and you must pay attention to both – validating their emotions and putting boundaries in place. “Some parents are good at one side and struggle with the other.”
Acknowledge your child’s feelings. This is where empathy comes in and it’s important because it will help you to understand your child’s behaviour – which will lead to them understanding their own emotions and behaviour better.
“Try the traffic light method,” says Jonathan Hoffenberg, a social worker and programme manager at the Parent Centre in Cape Town.
“When your child acts out, it’s a red light so you stop, amber means you consider what’s going on and decide on a plan of action, then green for go.” Considering what’s going on means you look at their behaviour, see the emotion behind it, validate the emotion and help them manage it.
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For example, your toddler is having a tantrum because he can’t have ice-cream for breakfast. You tell him you understand he’s upset, but it’s not going to change the fact that he can’t have ice-cream for breakfast because it’s not a healthy breakfast meal; it’s an occasional treat.
Give respect and you’ll get respect. “Parents need to recognise their children aren’t an extension of themselves, but individuals in their own right,” Hoffenberg says. Leading by fear is not the way to go.
Be clear about consequences and boundaries. Gentle parenting does not mean opting out of disciplining a child when necessary. Rules provide structure and when a child steps out of line there should be clear and age-appropriate consequences.
This is the part parents usually struggle with, Ribeiro says. “Parents often battle to put consequences in place because they choose a consequence that’s too difficult to follow through on. If you make empty threats your child will realise that the consequences won’t happen.”
THE THREE MAIN APPROACHES TO PARENTING
Authoritarian - This is a rigid approach focused on structure and control and low on nurturing and warm engagement. These parents are strict and subscribe to “it’s my way or the highway” thinking.
Permissive - This is high on warm engagement, but low on structure and control. These parents are kind and loving, but struggle with boundaries and structure and tend to let their kids do whatever they want.
Gentle - This approach strikes a balance between a good amount of structure and control, and positive nurturing and engagement. Gentle parenting is the approach parents should strive towards, says Dr Rose.
THE CHALLENGES OF GENTLE PARENTING
Gentle parenting requires you to remain calm, which can be challenging when you’re stressed and your kids are pushing all your buttons. You’ll need to learn to step back and not react when your child is misbehaving, having a meltdown or being sulky.
You’ll need to dig deep to understand your child’s feelings in the moment and respond in a way that prioritises their emotional wellbeing.
“When you’re angry it’s easy to lash out at your kids so it does demand a lot of self-awareness,” Ribeiro says.
Parents must also understand their own experiences as children. “When we do parent training we start with the issues they had as children with their own parents so that any negative or traumatic experiences don’t influence their parenting style.”
