The six stages of seeing your parents off on a date night


Okay, hold the phone. Just…wait. You’re going where? Now? But it’s a Saturday night! This is our staying-up-late night. Our watching TV till you fall asleep night. 

You’re going without us? And you’ll be back after we’ve gone to bed? What are you even thinking?

What do you mean this is overdue? We go out all the time. 

This can’t be right. You clearly haven’t thought this through.


Um, not sure if you’ve noticed, parents, but you have two children to look after. Not to mention feed. 

It’s a “date”, you say? Aren’t you a bit old for that? You’ve been married for, like, a hundred years. I mean at least 10. I wasn’t even around when that happened, which means it was a very long time ago. 

Who goes on dates at your age anyway?

Surely you see enough of each other every day? What could you possibly have to say to each other that you can’t say here? 


What’s that? You found the dress you wanted to wear tonight hidden in my cupboard? No idea how it got there. Must have been my little sister. Yes, I know she’s only ten months old, but she’s learned to crawl and grab things. She probably did it in the middle of the night while you were sleeping. I think she’s very good at hiding things.

Oh, look. There’s a stain on your best shirt and you’re five minutes late for your reservation. Yes, I know I squirted tomato sauce directly at you, but I was aiming for my hotdog. 

Did I mention I hate this babysitter? She’s inhumane. I know that’s a big word for a little girl. Do you know how I know she’s inhumane? She says I can’t even turn on YouTube while we’re eating.

No, I won’t stop wailing. She’s evil. Don’t you see it? 


The babysitter hates me. She’s not fit to look after children. Yes, I know telling me to go to bed at my bedtime isn’t abuse, I’m not stupid. But she’s definitely plotting against me. I can see it in her eyes.

Surely you see it too?

We could come with you! We could go to Spur! It’ll be a blast! Remember how well it went last time?

Why is that funny?

You could have your date night here! Look! I’ve set the table and everything! We’ll be really quiet. You won’t even know we’re here. Yes, that’s my little sister howling again because I snatched her teething ring away from her, but it’s because she was being mean to me. 

Wait! Don’t go!


I’ll stop whimpering if you promise to stay. 

Yes, I know I’m ruining your shirt with my snot. No, I won’t stop wiping my nose on your shoulder.

No, I refuse to let go of your leg. We’re meant to be together! It’s not natural, you leaving like this. 


That was entertaining. Did you see their faces when they left? I think I probably convinced them that this dating thing is a stupid idea. They’ll be back in no time. 

What’s for pudding? Can we play Legos? 

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